Archive for February, 2007
Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer.
How much isit or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "
But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree.
His lawyerwas at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing andit was clear that this would be the end.
Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly beforeyou died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,"One less lawyer . . ."
Posted in Humor, From Grumpy | No Comments »
Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
5 oz. of soothing anti-masturbation cream. Keep applying until you get relief. Coconut, buttermilk, vanilla bean scent. Only $8.49 a tube.
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Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
The internet is like a penis
It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.
If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself “why on earth did I do that?”
Some folks have it, some don’t.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.
Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop.
Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.
Posted in Humor, From Grumpy | No Comments »
Monday, February 26th, 2007
Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.
In Delaware it is illegal to get married on a dare.
In Delaware you may not sell dead people for money without a license.
It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
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Monday, February 26th, 2007
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, “ALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine”.
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens — the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
Posted in Humor, From Grumpy | No Comments »
Sunday, February 25th, 2007
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Friday, February 23rd, 2007
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Friday, February 23rd, 2007
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say.
In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!” The husband scratched his head and replied:
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
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Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
The anti-impotence drug Viagra will be available on the High Street without a prescription from 14 March.
Boots the chemist is introducing a trial scheme at three of its branches in Manchester.
Men aged between 30 and 65 will be able to buy four pills for £50 after a consultation with the pharmacist.
But Dr Jeff Hackett, chairman of the British Society for Sexual Medicine, said many men were entitled to the drug on the NHS, without paying.
“We have some regulations at the moment that allow a large number of patients to get the drug free on the National Health Service,” he said.
“One of the problems for pharmacists will be to identify these patients who actually shouldn’t be paying who are legally entitled to get it free and that’s quite a challenge.”
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An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
