Archive for March, 2007
Friday, March 30th, 2007
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re fucking dead.”
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer has killed more men than he has spoken to.
If the show was called “Bauer: Texas Ranger” the show would still be in production.
Nobody speaks while Jack Bauer speaks, which is why the entire world is silent for approximately 1 hour on Mondays.
Jack Bauer kills a an average of one person an hour. Including that in any algebraic equation suddenly makes math a hell of a lot more interesting.
50 million people can’t be wrong…unless Jack Bauer says so.
Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a fucking terrorist.
Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: “In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world… five seasons in a row.” Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled “WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!”
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walked into a bar… and Jack Bauer is going to find out why…
Posted in 24 | No Comments »
Thursday, March 29th, 2007
Before accepting a job at CTU remember that Jack Bauer has:*Shot George Mason with a tranquilizer gun
*Knocked out a security guard to escape lockdown
*Shot Nina (before it was discovered that she was bad)
*Broken Tony’s leg to escape lockdown
*Shot Chase Edmunds with an empty gun
*Killed Ryan Chappelle
*Cut off Chase’s arm
*Attacked Ronnie
*Knocked out Curtis
*Killed Curtis
*Attacked two security guards
*Knocked out a security guard
Now do you want to work at CTU?
Posted in 24 | No Comments »
Thursday, March 29th, 2007
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” - She is a “BREASTED AMERICAN”
2. She is not a “SCREAMER” or a “MOANER” - She is “VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.”
3. She is not “EASY” - She is “HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.”
4. She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” - She is a “LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.”
5. She has not “BEEN AROUND” - She is a “PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.”
6. She is not an “AIRHEAD” - She is “REALITY IMPAIRED.”
7. She ! does not get “DRUNK” or “TIPSY” - She gets “CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.”
8. She does not have “BREAST IMPLANTS” - She is “MEDICALLY ENHANCED.”
9. She does not “NAG” you - She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE.”
10. She is not a “TRAMP” - She is “SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.”
11. She does not have “MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS” - She is “PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.”
12. She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” - She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER.”
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a “BEER GUT” - He has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”
2. He is not a “BAD DANCER” - He is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN.”
3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” - He “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.”
4. He is not “BALDING” - He is in “FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”
5. He is not a “CRADLE ROBBER” - He prefers “GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.”
6. He does not get “FALLING- DOWN DRUNK” - He becomes “ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.”
7. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS” - He develops a case of “RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.”
8. He is not a “MALE CHAUVINIST PIG” - He has “SWINE EMPATHY.”
9. He is not afraid of “COMMITMENT” - He is “RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.”
10. He is not “HORNY” - He is “SEXUALLY FOCUSED”
11. It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants - It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE”.
Posted in Humor, From Grumpy | No Comments »
Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
Although the Enterprise was not a direct risk to the safety of Los Angeles, Jack Bauer couldn’t take the chance that an American Mega-Corporation would sell it to terrorists to obtain crucial oil contracts in the Middle East or Asia
“You see, Jack is capable of anything. They thought they were safe with their forcefields and the fact they are 300 years in the future – but you can rely on Jack to find ways of getting around trivialities like that. They made a crucial mistake – you must never underestimate Jack.”
Posted in 24 | No Comments »
Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
On Jack Bauer’s Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a “knock knock” joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
If everyone on “24″ followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12″
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn’t let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn’t let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
Bauer is not word, it is a sentence…A death sentence.
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s fucking beef.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
…and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, “I’ll take it from here.”
Posted in 24 | No Comments »
Tuesday, March 27th, 2007
Dear Abby,
I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.
My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.
Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl very much and want to marry her.
My problem is this:
Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?
Sincerely,
Grumpy
Posted in Humor, From Grumpy | No Comments »
Monday, March 26th, 2007
When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don’t ask how he did it, he’s fucking Jack Bauer
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.
Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
As a child, Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead…once.
Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.
After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
The bumper sticker on Jesus’s car reads, “WWJBD?”
Jack Bauer once opened a crate containing Weapons of Mass Destruction and all it had in it was a mirror.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.
G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
The safety on Jack’s gun isn’t there to protect Jack. It’s there to protect the gun.
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.
Jehovah’s Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
Posted in 24 | No Comments »
Monday, March 26th, 2007
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
Albert Einstein
Posted in Humor | No Comments »
Friday, March 23rd, 2007
Jack Bauer wasn’t born, he was unleashed.
Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why?
Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.
Jack Bauer doesn’t take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Jack Bauer went as himself one year for Halloween.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
Jack Bauer went out to the desert, and was bitten by a rattlesnake. The snake died.
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
When Jack Bauer is running, you’d better fucking run as well, if he’s chasing you, you should just shoot yourself.
The truth may hurt, but it doesn’t hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer does not need to use a silencer… he just tells his gun to be quiet.
When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack’s. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
Jack Bauer doesn’t eat honey. He chews bees.
Jack Bauer is the ‘i’ in team.
Posted in 24 | No Comments »
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
